“Oh look, she’s crying again?”
“For goodness’ sake, stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“Maybe you’re just feeling stressed.”
These are the words that I normally hear whenever I’m stricken with my depressive symptoms. At night, I tried to cover my mouth to keep my parents from hearing my crying spells. The things I love are slowly becoming to be too tedious that I almost end up hating it; I tend to forget things easily. Sometimes I lack the drive to comply with all my requirements on time; but for some miracle I could. I feel alone most of the time even if I mingle with other people. I feel like my parents are forcing me to do things that I don’t even consider doing (since I don’t want to).
Sometimes, even communicating what I feel takes a lot of energy – which my friends miscontrue it as being distant.
I’m tired of routine. I’m getting tired of apologizing, explaining.
And most of all, I am getting tired of the mediocrities of life.
You see, I might look normal to most people. But they don’t understand the depravity of my thoughts/emotions. Don’t worry, I don’t even consider taking my life just because I’m depressed.
My family, like every other people out there, would constantly shake my problems off and tell me that I have to figure it out myself since they expected me to apply what I have learned; that I have to stop making a big deal about my struggles.
I don’t blame them, though. People always use mental disorders as a way of romanticizing their current states; others would use them as means of ridicule leading to social stigma. Educating people who aren’t enlightened enough has become a Psychology major’s mission; but sadly people don’t really understand. For as long as they have some food in their stomach and clothes on their backs, that’s all that matters to them.
People nowadays comment on others’ depression and other mental illness as if it’s a fact of life. It’s just a phase, they would say.
A phase where I cannot escape easily. A phase where I’m eternally anxious, demotivated, sad. A phase where my mind goes blank whenever my mind feels like.
A phase where most people don’t understand.
To everybody else who are currently struggling, my thoughts are with you.
Not out of pity.
Not because I’m joining the hype.
But because I’m also battling to make it to the light.
Hi everyone, it’s me again! This is supposed to be an entry to my school’s essay competition, but alas, only undergrad students are entitled to participate.
But this is also my promised story since I all but left this blog hanging for like weeks or so. This is the reason why I’m not active enough. I may not promise to be active again, but I’ll try to post as soon as possible.
Let this serve as a reminder that not everyone has the same struggle. My family constantly misunderstands my struggle but I don’t blame them.
Let this also remind everyone else that you are not alone in this fight. Sometimes we just have to let go and let the world know what you’re going through.
Well anyways, I hope you like this entry. Here’s for more randomness to come!