On being twenty-ish

Yep. I’m already in my second earthly decade, and a lot of times I’m feeling petty. Sometimes I have this ideas with the dreaded what if moments. There are times I tried to think about my own death, and its pros and cons.

Well, a lot of us have been through this so-called Adolescence. In psychology, adolescence is a crucial stage wherein life would test you – and in test meaning if you’ll come to make peace with yourself or just wallow through life just trying to be somebody else.

Being a psych student, I pondered on the part where the ego integrity (credits to Erik Erikson) of this stage is fidelity. Because looking back, I have been traipsing around in my own stage, bluntly speaking.

Also, I did not miss the fact that I was trying to be someone else because I understand that I am an outsider and become blinded to the conformity of like-minded people.

Since the original plan of becoming distinctive didn’t work, I tried to do things – things that I’m not proud of – just to gain attention. It’s true I’m a noob, I don’t have friends – so I did that just to have their eyes at me. Unfortunately, it backfired.

I’ve been bullied to the extent that they won’t believe that I’m struggling.

That was the point where I asked myself if I could just kill myself or wishing the ground would swallow me up.

The ground didn’t listen. Instead, I kept staring at it as I wish that hell would welcome me right at this moment.

I’ve started straddling the line between normality and depression. My parents noticed. Good thing, because without them I might give in to my insanity.

And I have reached the point where I’ve had enough.

So I started again. This time, with vengeance.

No, I didn’t become vindictive. I decided to compensate my awkwardness with academics and plenty of rationalization. Turns out, some people started to discover my other side.

Other people just settled on being shallow-minded. Screw them.

And from that day onward, I started to battle them in my own pace, and in a hard way.

I still get backstabbed, but I didn’t care.

I have friends that I could count in my hand, but that’s okay.

If dealing with plastics is required? Bring it on.

I graduated somehow with a heavy heart, but I cast it all aside, since I’m starting anew. Who cares? Certainly not me.

I decided to enter a course in which I could understand myself as well as others – and it led me to Psychology.

Until now, those what ifs continue to linger. What if I committed suicide? What will my enemies do? Would they feel guilty? What will my friends and my parents say?

But then I realized that committing one’s own life isn’t an act of alleviating misery. It’s an act of greatest selfishness. You’re not only taking your life, but you’re depriving yourself from your choices.

Pondering back, I’ve realized that I’ve come a long way. There are few moments that I’m being childish, grumpy or just being emotional. But I can’t blame anyone. Not anymore.

I learned that you can only blame yourself for being that way.

I am just thankful that I’m still here, living my own life being me.

Yep. I’m in my early adulthood, but I can’t help myself being adolescent sometimes. I can say I’m in the verge of turning 21. I’m twenty, but still a kid – and a teenager – at heart.

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